Broken Words from a Mother's Heart...

Sweet child of mine. With a broken and grieving heart I write this on paper--words I will never get to whisper in your ear. 

You brought so much joy into my life...even for those 3 short days I knew about you. My heart was full and the love that I have for you was from the moment I saw that second pink line on my test. You are and always will be my first baby.

The sorrow I feel from losing you cannot be described with words. The fact that I will never hear your first cry, hold you in my arms and count your tiny fingers and toes, is at times, unbearable. To never know if you are a boy or a girl, if you look like your daddy and act like your mommy or if you’ll be outgoing or shy. I’ll never get to see you take your first steps, read you bedtime stories, watch you graduate, get married or become a parent yourself. 

Despite these heart-wrenching truths, there is still joy. I DID know you, even for a short time, and my, what joy you brought to all of us! And I know my love for you pales in comparison to the love your Heavenly Father has for you...He knew you even before the foundation of the world! I trust Him to know what He’s doing. He is sovereign over my life, and He was sovereign over yours. And now you are with Him.

I love you sweet baby. Goodness how much I love you. And I will see you one day.

I cannot wait to meet you.

Resolutions For The New Year

It’s that glorious time of year when everyone is making resolutions. You see determined looks on faces, and nearly get plowed over by women with hunger filled eyes if you dare step into the diet isle at the grocery store. All you seem to hear about is how this will be the year we lose weight...stop smoking...get organized...etc.

Quite honestly, I’ve never been a big fan of resolutions. I don’t know why, but I hate jumping on the band wagon of “promises” we make and have every intention of keeping...but then always seem to forget. It has always seemed a little pointless to me.

But this morning, I set aside some time to just be still. I lit a candle, put on some classical music, and grabbed my Bible and notebook. I flipped back through the pages of my journal, and found prayers dated in January of 2012. I then sat and read through every prayer I’d written through last year. 

What a journey this past year has been!! I started off the year at the Passion conference, where Jesus rocked my world. Then spent my summer at the internship with Precept Ministries, where Jesus again rocked my world. Reading through so many prayers I prayed...some seemed silly, and some were cries from deep within my heart...reminded me that my Heavenly Father does hear even the smallest of prayers. And He answers them in the way that He sees fit. I was reminded of the faithfulness of my God.

So, as I sat there just overwhelmed by God’s goodness, I was convicted of my own complacency in my relationship with the Lord. I so easily forget how good and faithful He is, and I take Him for granted. I think there are more pressing matters that I need to accomplish before I take time to spend with Him. “After I finish this email, I’ll read my Bible.” I say to myself. And as I get distracted by the tasks that pile up in my mind, my relationship with the Lord fades into the background. 

So armed with this new conviction in my heart, I’ve decided to make some resolutions for this New Year. This year I will put Jesus first in my life. I prayed and asked the Lord to show me some practical ways to help me accomplish this. And this is what He showed me:

Spend time with the Lord daily. 

         - whether it’s getting in the Word, taking a walk to just pray and hear His voice, or  

           listening to Scripture, I will make time to be alone with God.

“When You said, "Seek My face," my heart 

said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek."’

Psalm 27:8

“I have set the LORD continually before me; 

Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

Psalm 16:8

Pray for people more.

          - People are hurting! They need someone lifting them up in prayer.

           

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, 

and pray for one another so that you may be 

healed. The effective prayer of a righteous 

man can accomplish much.”

James 5:16

“pray without ceasing;”

1 Thess. 5:17

Write consistently in my thankful journal.

         - I started this journal last year, and then as time went on I stopped writing things         

           in it. But it really helped me to stop and think about the big and small things I am    

           thankful for. I need more thankfulness in my life.

“...give thanks in all circumstances; for this is 

the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

1 Thess. 5:18

“Now when Daniel knew that the document was signed, 

he entered his house (now in his roof chamber he had 

windows open toward Jerusalem); and he continued 

kneeling on his knees three times a day, praying and 

giving thanks before his God, as he had been 

doing previously.”

Daniel 6:10

So I share this all with you to encourage you to take sometime in the next few days and just sit at the feet of Jesus. Ask Him what things He wants for you this year, and areas you can become more like Him in. I’d love to hear what He shows you!!

I was very convicted and encouraged by this morning...and I’m actually hopeful that this New Year will be the best I’ve ever had...because Jesus will be my first priority. 

A Valentine's Day Poem

The Man in my life exceeds all of my dreams,

He loves me just the way I am & meets all of my needs.

He listens to my every word, & understands when no one can

He holds me together when I’m a wreck and don’t think I can stand.

True, He may not be here to take me to dinner & a movie

buy me roses or some other sweet gift to woo me.

But He has gone away to prepare for me a place

and one day very soon I will get to see His face.

He will wipe away the tears from my eyes

that I cried on those many lonely nights.

He will bring me to His Father, a bride spotless and pure,

this only being true because of the cross which He endured.

He gave His very life for me, a sacrifice no other man has given,

He bled for my wickedness, as the nails in His wrists were driven.

And as He hung there, bearing my shame,

He washed me clean and gave me a new name.

Now as I eagerly await His return to come and claim me,

I will not let the lies of this world ensnare me.

Yes, He will return, and I will not refrain from looking,

Waiting and watching and hoping and searching.

Earthly love fades in comparison to this wondrous love I’ve known,

And through the letter He wrote me, my love for Him has grown.

Don’t settle into thinking that all of your dreams will come true,

If you could only find someone to date you or love you for you.

Do not search for love and fulfillment in other people,

In Jesus there is a love that can never be equaled,

Just Keep Running...

“Perseverance is the hard work you do after you 

get tired of doing the hard work you already did.” 

Newt Gingrich

I’m exhausted. I’m irritable. And rest is no where in sight.

It’s in times like these, that my endurance & perseverance is tested. When life and circumstances that are out of my control won’t let me quit. And the only choice I have is to press on. To keep moving forward.

These times in my life are arduous. They are challenging. It ain’t fun! 

But I find that it is in these times that the Lord shows Himself strong. I am forced to rely on His strength, because I have no strength left of my own. And He enables me to move forward. He causes good fruit to be produced in the soil of difficulty.

“And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, 

knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and 

perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope...” 

Romans 5:3-4

The word tribulation in this verse is the Greek word thlipsis. It’s meaning is that of a pressing, pressing together, pressure. Ever felt that way before? Sure sounds a lot like life to me! :)

But what does it say these tribulations produce in us? Perseverance, proven character and hope. Through this pressure or tribulation in our lives, the Lord is able to bring forth good.

How then should we respond to these difficult and pressure filled times in our life?

“...but we also exult in our tribulations...”

To exult means to glory in a thing. We must exult in the tough times, through the “pressing” times in life. Why? Because of what those times produce. Because of what the Lord can yield in our lives due to them.

I read a verse the other night, after an exhausting day that never seemed to end. What it said really convicted me.

"Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two.”

Matthew 5:41

Running is awful. I am convinced it could be used as an effective method of torture (I am slightly exaggerating...slightly.). And if someone forced me to run a mile with them, I would most likely want to sit down, finish coughing up my lung and have a nice cold drink of water. Willingly running a second mile with them would never cross my mind. Yet that is what Jesus is telling us to do in this verse. Life’s hard, heck yeah. Sometimes it is just downright terrible. But despite how much we may dislike it, there is really nothing we can do about it. 

As believers, we have to look at the bigger picture. We have to pray to our Heavenly Father to make our heart’s prayer be "yet not My will, but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42) And we have to run that second mile.

I do not have this concept mastered. I am SO far from any of what I’ve just shared. More times than not, I have to be dragged through through the first mile. Living this out is hard. This stuff is so easy for me to say, especially when my life could be so much harder. I have so much to be thankful for. Many of my friends come to mind as I write this, who are dealing with heart-wrenching trials. Depression. Cancer. The death of a friend. My life is a walk in the park with cotton candy in one hand and a puppy in the other, compared to theirs. My heart breaks for them, and my prayers are with them daily. But the message is for all of us, regardless of the level of difficulty we face in our lives. We must persevere. We must stay strong. And it gets back to us relying on that strength that comes only from our Heavenly Father.

So I leave you with this:

“...let us run with endurance the race that is set before 

us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter 

of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, 

despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand 

of the throne of God.”

Hebrews 12:1-2

Get your running shoes on! :)

He Knows Our Frame

“When Satan tempts me to despair, 

And tells me of the guilt within, 

Upward I look, and see him there

Who made an end of all my sin.”

~ Before the Throne ~

Grace. That little word holds such a profound and life changing meaning. I know I never fully comprehend what it means. It seems that just when I think I understand it, some circumstance in my life reveals just how little I know about the grace of God.

grace - to find favor in the eyes of someone, to be acceptable to him, unmerited favor

When I believed in Christ as the Son of God, and the Holy Spirit came and dwelt inside of me, I changed. The Lord brought me from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light (Col. 1:13). My entire identity changed because of Him, in that He made me His child and co-heir with Christ.

“See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, 

that we would be called children of God; and such we 

are. For this reason the world does not know us, 

because it did not know Him.”

1 John 3:1

“The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are 

children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God 

and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him 

so that we may also be glorified with Him.”

Romans 8:16-17

That being said, there is one thing that didn’t change. And that is my flesh. I sometimes forget that a battle rages inside of me daily. The battle between the Spirit of God living inside of me and the flesh that destroys me.

“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out 

the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire 

against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for 

these are in opposition to one another, so that you may 

not do the things that you please.”

Galatians 5:16-17

And when I forget or lose sight of this battle, I am caught off guard by my sin. When I fail to walk by the Spirit and the flesh wins, I am left discouraged and dispirited. I want to hide from the very One who has the power to deliver me from the sins I have committed, too ashamed to face Him. “He must be so disappointed in me.” 

But is this true?

“Just as a father has compassion on his children, so 

the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. 

For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that 

we are but dust.”

Psalm 103:14-15

As our Father, He is compassionate towards us, and remembers the fact that we are but dust. He is not surprised by our weaknesses, or by our failures. Does He condone them? Certainly not. But is He disappointed in us? No. He is compassionate towards His children.

Christ Jesus, our Savior and the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world (John 1:29), is our High Priest. He is the One who makes propitiation for our sins (Heb. 2:17). And He understands.

“For since He Himself was tempted in that which He 

has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those 

who are tempted.”

Hebrews 2:18

“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize 

with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in 

all things as we are, yet without sin.”

Hebrews 4:15

Jesus sympathizes with our weaknesses. He’s been there. The only difference is, He never caved or gave in. He was sinless. But He still understands. And He can come to our aid when we are tempted to give into our flesh. How precious is this? What hope! 

So my encouragement to you is this: when you fail, when you sin, don’t let that keep you from seeking the face of God. Don’t let Satan temp you to despair. When those feelings of utter unworthiness consume you, remember who you are in Christ. You and I ARE unworthy. We are nothing apart from Him. But as His children, we are forgiven. We must remember His grace.

“In Him we have redemption through His blood, 

the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to 

the riches of His grace...”

Ephesians 1:7

Now, I am not condoning sin. You and I must repent and turn from our sins. We cannot continue in sin.

“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so 

that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall 

we who died to sin still live in it?” 

Romans 6:1-2

“What then? Shall we sin because we are not under 

law but under grace? May it never be!”

Romans 6:15

The grace of God is indescribably beautiful. But it is not to be abused. We are still called to be obedient to His commands and precepts. We have died to sin, and must not live in it. Sin must not be a habitual thing in our lives as believers.

But when we do sin, we must confess it from a broken and sincere heart. True repentance will equal a turning away from those sins. And when we do this, God will forgive us.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous 

to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all 

unrighteousness.”

1 John 1:9

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken 

and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.”

Psalm 51:17

So take heart. The Lord is never surprised by our weaknesses, and He is compassionate towards those of us who are His children. He remembers we are but dust. And He forgives us when we repent and cry out to Him from a broken heart. 

So don’t become dispirited by the times you fail. When you lose the battle between the flesh and the Spirit. We may lose a battle here and there, but Christ Jesus has already won the war!

“Because a sinless Savior died, 

My sinful soul is counted free; 

For God, the Just, is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me”

~ Before the Throne ~

Is It Just Me?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize that you are different? I mean really different? You feel as though you stand out like a sore thumb.

You didn’t think that was funny.

You really don’t want to watch that.

Your purpose in life is not just to have fun.

It sure can make you feel alone. Like you’re the only one out there. Does anyone have the same morals or convictions as you?

I wish there was a way to avoid this, but there just isn’t. But take heart! As followers of Christ, this is to be expected. 

What do I mean by this?

Jesus Christ came into the world in human form. How did the world respond to Him?

“...it hates Me because I testify of it, that its deeds are evil.” 

(John 7:7)

The world hated Jesus. So much so that they killed Him. And in Ephesians, we are called to be imitators of Him:

“Therefore be imitators of God...” 

(Ephesians 5:1)

So if the world hated Christ, and we are to imitate Him, what does this tell you? The world is going to hate us too. 

Yay us!!! ;)

I promise you that I am not trying to discourage you. On the contrary. This may not seem encouraging at first glance, but for me, when I realize that opposition from the world is to be expected, it doesn’t catch me as off guard. And I am a person who likes to be prepared...

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, 

which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange 

thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share 

the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the 

revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.” 

(1 Peter 4:12-13)

Don’t be surprised or discouraged when you feel alone because of your faith. Christ went through the same thing for us, even suffering death on the cross for us. (Phil. 2:5-8) How small are these sufferings in comparison! 

And there is hope despite these sufferings. Don’t think you are alone! 

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have 

peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I 

have overcome the world." 

(John 16:33) 

We have peace and comfort in our Savior. And He has overcome this world. It ain’t got nothing on us! We have already won the war. Victory is ours through Christ Jesus.

So take heart, dear friends, that our God is greater than any thing in this world. Greater than the cutting words of a classmate. Greater than the rejection of those whom you love. And greater than the loneliness these things can cause.

“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, 

or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 

Just as it is written, "For Your sake we are being put to death all day 

long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered. But in all 

these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.” 

(Romans 8:35-37)

Where's Your Hope?

If you are anything like me, disappointment is something you absolutely dread. I mean, I lower my expectations to keep from being disappointed. It doesn't ever work, but I do it anyway. Go figure.

This is not a positive thing. I mean, having a "glass half-empty" view on life to avoid disappointment is not something I'm proud of. And I don't think it is something the Lord desires for me. 

"To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed." (Psalm 22:5)

This verse promises that if my trust and "expectation" is in the Lord, I will NOT be disappointed. What a precious promise! I cling to this verse in my times of doubt and fear. The Lord promises over and over in His Word that if my hope is in Him, I will never be disappointed.

"Those who hopefully wait for Me will not be put to shame." (Isaiah 49:23)

"For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed."' (Romans 10:11)

These verses do not imply, however, that we will never have disappointment in life. Life will let us down. When that job falls through. The death of a loved one. Rejection from someone you love. Whatever it may be, life is going to hurt. 

When this disappointment comes, where are you going to place your trust?

Will you move on to another silver lining, in hopes that this time it will work out better than last time? 

"This is going to be THE interview."

"She's going to recover."

"This time he's going to love me." 

Or will you cling to something, or Someone, who will not let you down? When the hard things in life begin to hit you, what will you turn to?

"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope in God,

for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence." (Psalm 42:5)

I encourage you today to hope in God. Place your trust and hope in Christ. You've got God's promise that you will not be disappointed. That's what I'm going to do. Or at least strive for. It isn't easy...I mean, it's a daily struggle for me. But it's worth it. :)

So I leave you with this:

"Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord." (Psalm 31:24)